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Got Lazy Kids?
Here’s How to Cope!
By Virginia Bentz
You and your spouse met in college. You both worked weekends at the Salty Dog Bar & Grill to pay for tuition and books. Recreation was not an option. After a proud graduation, you found good jobs, and you worked hard to satisfy your boss. You even did just that little bit more to get a promotion. You’re focused, you’re productive, and now with two kids, you’re working even harder to make sure everyone has what they need. So why are your kids drifting in the other direction, doing the bare minimum to get by, and acting – well – downright lazy?
Here are some possible reasons. You may be so focused and productive that your children perceive you as super efficient, so perfect at doing every little thing that it’s intimidating. They face new challenges at every instant. In math class, they understood long division and even got to like it. But now the teacher has started fractions, and they’re lost again. You are so good at what you do, at work and at home, that they feel cowed by it. They don’t want to risk confusion or failure in front of you.
Your efficiency may go against you in another way, too. Your kids may see that with you around, everything they need comes their way easily. It doesn’t matter if they work hard or not. Dinner still gets on the table, school clothes are purchased for them before the first day, someone helps them find their homework and gets it into their backpack before the school bus comes. You’re always in charge, you handle things beautifully, and they do fine without doing much of anything.
Third, because you and your spouse have such good jobs, your kids may get all they want without ever feeling a sense of longing. Naturally, you want them to have a nicer life than you had, so you are free about giving them money, cell phones, designer clothes, computers. They get things almost before they have time to want them. They know they don’t have to work for any of it, because you do.
Fourth, kids may feel left out if parents seem so preoccupied with their work and other responsibilities that this cuts into family time. If they feel that you are too busy to listen to their concerns -- that you are always rushing out the door to meet a client, to get groceries, or to get the car fixed -- they may suffer hurt feelings. Then, they may react against you by refusing to work as hard as you do. They figure out quickly that they can hurt you back by being lazy themselves, by not doing homework, by not getting good grades, by not doing anything productive, by throwing away opportunities.
And finally, working parents live in a different kind of emotional world than their children. Working requires us to shape our personalities into a logical, polite, businesslike, emotionally restrained framework. We have to ignore many of our feelings and focus on getting the job done, calming down the ruffled customer, staying efficiently on task. Otherwise, we couldn’t get anything done. Quite simply, we would get fired.
Children, on the other hand, are highly emotional creatures. If a little boy falls down and scrapes his knee, he spends some time crying about it. He wants sympathy, even for a microscopic injury. If a little girl makes a new friend, the two of them may walk around hand in hand, do some hugging and kissing, and call each other “sisters.” When she was twelve, my own daughter caught the chicken pox by sharing her girlfriend’s salad at lunch. This is why peer pressure is such a factor for kids. They love each other, they give and take freely, they express feelings openly, and they feel mortally wounded if they suspect someone doesn’t like them.
If you are the productive parent looking to motivate your lazy kids, here are some tips: First, reconsider your definition of “lazy.” If your child goes to school, completes assignments, gets A’s and B’s and the occasional C, gets along with people, and will try some extracurricular activity of his choice, he’s doing fine. Remember that at his age, you were going from one grade to the next, from one activity to the next, and you didn’t put your full energy into everything, either. Some things you liked, but some things that your parents really really wanted you to do, you downright hated. It’s the same for your kids.
Realize that you are at a different stage of life. By now, you have eliminated the activities you can’t stand. You have chosen your job and your hobbies by getting rid of many other possibilities that were less attractive to you. You are doing what you want, and you have a vested interest in doing it well. A normal youngster is not going to show this level of enthusiasm about every single project that comes her way. Let her fumble from one thing to another, compliment what she does well, and don’t criticize what goes wrong. Straight A’s in grade school don’t mean a thing.
Second, share your difficulties with your children. Tell them about your disappointments, your failures. For example, I had a terrible time getting ready for an oral doctoral examination in English. I feared I would fail. I was good at writing, not talking. The test covered way more information than one person could possibly remember. Because I studied at home, my kids knew all about my fears, and also that if I failed it the first time I could re-take it twice more. They sympathized with me, but only because I told them frankly about my worries, and because they saw me agonize over all the possibilities.
To even up the scale, try taking your child to an activity like ice skating, or a pottery class, that you both have never done before. Let him see how you deal with trying something brand new. If you fall on your butt a few times, or get mud in your eye, have a laugh at your own expense, and let him see you get back up and try again after you’ve made a fool of yourself. Let him see that you can fail.
At home, be free about pointing out things you don’t do well. You may be a dynamite mechanical engineer, but a lousy cook. Be honest about that. You do your job well, sure, but there are some other things – whoa – you are just plain bad at them. You know it, and you can be frank about it. (“My mom, she tried to cook a turkey while it was still partly frozen. Yuck. We had to go out to dinner ON THANKSGIVING. Beats food poisoning, though.”)
Use the “I need help” approach to get kids involved with work around the house that they could do. Start with the more interesting stuff. “Here,” you can say, “take this brownie mix box, read the directions, and bake the brownies we’ll need for the party.” You can be doing something else in the kitchen, so you’re available for questions and for safety issues. But let him figure it out himself, and see the results. (I’ve heard some kids like to make smoothies, too.)
If you must say something, describe all the ways you have messed up baking projects over the years. (“Yep, I once burned chewy brownies into a black coal-like slab. I put them in the oven, got wrapped up in writing an article, and forgot about them. Had to throw them away, pan and all. Couldn’t get them out, even with a chisel. Really miss that pan.”)
Give compliments liberally. Just one compliment is packed full of great motivating stuff. It says that you noticed something specific about your daughter, that you liked it, that you liked it so much that you had to tell her, and that you, in your role as the parent, as the one who sees her ALL THE TIME, think there is something worthwhile about her. You think so even though you have known her since her first day on earth, and even though you are familiar with her every fault. Parents’ compliments are the most powerful in the world.
A compliment to your child also says, “I love you and I want you to be happy and I believe in your ability to do positive things, and to make a success of your life.” It makes her feel as good as you feel when your boss says, “Thanks for helping out with that impatient customer. I really appreciated that.” Probably it makes her feel even better, because you’re the parent, the one who really knows everything about her. Be creative about finding ways to compliment your child. This will propel her in positive directions. Avoid criticism like the proverbial plague.
Work on ways to open yourself up emotionally while you are with your children. Play some music you like, and sing along. Show them how you used to dance the Tango, or the Jitterbug, or the Twist, or the Texas Two-Step. Grab your daughter and show her how to do it. No, it’s more dramatic than that! Lean WAY back! Laugh about it if you step on each other’s feet or knock each other over. Use the opportunity to give her a quick hug and whisper a little “I love you” and “You are such a sweetheart” in her ear. Kids are emotional creatures. They need you to be emotionally open in order to connect with you in a positive way.
Get used to saying “I love you” to your kids on a daily basis, even if it doesn’t come naturally at first. Has there ever been a time when you wouldn’t feel just a little happier to hear someone in your family say they loved you?
Be a little conservative about the way you spend money on your kids. There are things they need to have, like a toothbrush, pajamas, school notebooks and pencils, a week’s worth of clothes, a winter coat and a pair of boots, a pair of shoes. But most other things are optional, and should be discussed. Do they really need that? How badly do they want it? Why do they want it? What could they do to earn the money to get it?
Children as young as twelve can get odd jobs doing babysitting, mowing lawns, helping older folks plant flowers, edge lawns, or shovel snow. Let them negotiate these arrangements. Give your kids an incentive to work, so they can experience the pleasure of earning the money themselves for something they want.
Finally, familiarize your child with your own life at work. Take him there every now and then, maybe on a weekend when you need to get just a few extra things done. Let him see where you work and what you do. Let him feel like he owns a part of your working life, too. Share some of the challenges of your projects, the problems you faced, and all the work you had to do to complete them successfully. Don’t think he can’t understand. Give him details. He is deciding every minute what to do with his life, and the more solid information he’s got, the better off he is.
If you’re short on time, or you feel you’re just not getting anywhere, look for family or friends who may have interesting hobbies they love to share. My grandmother taught me how to crochet, when I was ten or twelve, and she was patiently right there every minute to help me get going. A friend learned woodworking from his retired grandfather, and this remains a beloved hobby, even now that he’s in his fifties. Although he is a physician, he has a woodshop in the basement, and he has taught his three boys how to use this equipment. Two of the boys are fascinated; the middle boy not so much.
Be patient, but persistent. All these things push you
toward the coveted role of mentor in your child’s life – someone
who is older and wiser and shares honestly the trials and tribulations
of her life – someone who turns his business self down a few notches
and his emotional self up to establish connections with the kids.
If you can connect with your kids just a few emotional steps closer, while
introducing new activities, and complimenting each effort, they will begin
to feel some of your energy and enthusiasm as their own, and they will
reach out and try harder. Praise them sincerely for every try.
Quick Guide to Good Kids will be available in November 2006 at all retail and internet locations, including Amazon.com, Borders.com, Barnes & Noble.com, and others. Parents can visit the author’s website at QuickGuideToGoodKids.com beginning in October, and leave a question on the message board. The author will post the questions with her responses.