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A “Good Kids” Primer:
10 Raise-Them-Right Tips for Overwhelmed Parents

It’s not easy to be a 21st century parent, but you can do it, and do it well.
One mother shares some strikingly simple—and field-tested—techniques of child-raising that will ensure your kids (and you, too!) end up healthy and happy.

Hollywood, FL (October 2006)—Becoming a parent is a daunting prospect these days. Perhaps it always has been. But combine your sex-drugs-violence-divorce worries with your we-must-worktwo-jobs-to-make-ends-meet economic reality and the act of bringing a tiny newborn home from the
hospital can feel like a leap across the Grand Canyon. How will I ever transform this helpless infant
into a healthy, well-adjusted, responsible adult? you wonder. Already I love him more than life
itself…but I can’t imagine how I’ll ever meet the challenges of 21st century parenthood.

Don’t worry, says Virginia Bentz, author of Quick Guide to Good Kids (Frederick Fell Publishers, Inc., November 2006, ISBN: 0-88391-153-1, $14.95). While raising great children in a stressed-out, morally-challenged, danger-fraught society is not easy, it is possible. As she explains in her book, she has two wonderful adult children to prove it—despite a childhood marked by financial challenges, divorce, and peers who dabbled in drugs, alcohol, and violence.

“You don’t have to be a psychologist, a millionaire, or even just lucky to raise good natured, well-balanced, and intelligent kids,” she insists. “You don’t have to buy them expensive toys or enroll them in the ‘right’ preschools or schedule a structured activity for every night of the week. Many people today overcomplicate child-rearing and it actually does the children a disservice. What children need is time, attention, acceptance, and love. Give them those things—and follow a few simple, commonsense ‘parenting rules’—and you can help your children avoid the slippery slopes that lurk all around them.”

In her thoughtful and refreshingly honest book, Bentz details some of the rules she followed as a parent that she believes kept her children from sinking into “quicksand pits of serious trouble.” Read on to sample a few of the author’s insights:

Lavish love and attention on them when they are little.
During the first few years of their lives, children absorb everything they experience like little sponges. It is imperative that you provide your little ones with the emotional support they need to lay the groundwork for a healthy life later on. Making them feel warm, safe, and happy is your main goal, because a well-nurtured child is more likely to have a healthy self-image in later years. It’s okay to spoil them a little at this age. Lavish them with love, even when, as the author says, you feel “overwhelmed with babyness,” because once they start growing up, you can’t make them little again.

“Don’t underestimate the critical role you play in early education,” says Bentz. “In caring for babies and toddlers, parents can perform special functions, teaching concepts like counting and colors, sitting and focusing, that are essential for good performance later on in school. The child loves doing this with his mother or father. Within a secure frame of affection, the child is able to learn a great deal.”

Be supportive and affirming.
“If we want our children to have inner motivation and self-confidence, we have to affirm rather than criticize,” Bentz insists. “You may feel as if most of the time you are playing along to a charade but it is better to practice your patience than to potentially damage your child’s emotions.”

Constant criticism in young children reinforces that they will never be good enough to make Mommy or Daddy happy. In older children, it drives them away from strong relationships with Mom and Dad. Too much criticism is wrong, asserts Bentz. If an adolescent feels worthless due to excessive criticism, he may become totally apathetic toward everything. From this point, any number of problems could occur, from drug abuse to violent behavior. Start practicing affirmation when they are young and your children will always remember how patient you were with them as they grow.

Beyond necessities, don’t worry about material things.
You don’t need a big and rich lifestyle to raise good kids. Quite the opposite, in fact. Living modest lives teaches your children from a young age to appreciate their blessings. They will learn not only gratitude, but the value of a safe home, a loving family, and the things that really do matter. “Children need food, water, clothes, shelter, and loving parents—that’s about it!” Bentz asserts. “They certainly do not need expensive clothing, the trendiest toys, or a new sports car on their 16th birthday.”

If you want to give them something that will take them far, Bentz advises buying them books. If you always have books around, your kids will never be bored, and will be more likely to turn to reading for entertainment and education. Reading will make them more intelligent human beings and if they read frequently as children, they will read as adults. It is an inexpensive, self-perpetuating tool for lifetime learning.

Support your children’s teachers.
Make it clear to your kids that you will stand by their teachers’ decisions the majority of the time—that once the school phase of their lives begins, you will be fair but firm if the teacher has complaints about their behavior or progress. “There were times when a teacher would call home to me to complain about my son’s lack of focus in the classroom, and, as difficult as it was, I resisted the urge to be hateful with her even though I hated the idea of someone criticizing my child,” Bentz says. “Then I confronted my son and learned that he didn’t like his teacher and that everyone complained that she was unfair and irrational. Nevertheless I supported her and insisted that David try harder and work to impress her. He did and everyone survived, and I am convinced that by supporting the authority figure and not my son, I taught him a valuable lesson about the bumpy roads in life.”

Be part of your child’s audience.
Between the time he can walk and the moment he turns 18, your child will probably want to pursue many different extracurricular activities. Be sure that as a parent you support and validate your child’s interests rather than being critical. Let him know that he can make choices, even if they aren’t the ones you would have made. “As long as nothing violates any laws or your moral codes, support your kids’ sports interests or art lessons or their affinity for theatre or whatever,” Bentz asserts. “With a little time and effort on your part, your kids will see that their interests really do matter to you and knowing you support them will mean a lot.”

Remember that you’re not in this alone.
As a parent, you have all other parents as a database for information on how to deal with certain problems with no clear solution. Someone else has most likely been through the current issues you are facing with your child. Don’t hesitate to ask these other “veterans” for advice or a helping hand. For example, one dad can save five other dads a hassle by carpooling children from soccer practice each night. And who better to consult on whether or not to start your young five-year-old in kindergarten early than other parents you meet along the way? Other parents are the best source for this kind of information, especially parents of children a few years older than yours, because they have experienced the long-term results of the decisions you face now. “When you become the experienced parent, you can return the favor,” says Bentz. “You’ll discover it’s a great feeling to ‘pay it forward!’”

Be an example of duty done.
Your children are always looking to you to learn how to live. Children respond well to learning responsibility and consistency and it’s important that you display these traits from the beginning. As a parent, you must live your life knowing that your children are watching you and will pick up on the subtle cues that reveal what kind of person you are. So consistently provide dinner for them and go to your own job each day. Ensure that they make it to school on time and attend all their classes. In this way, your children learn the values of duty and obligation and honor. You can’t easily teach this if your children grow up in a chaotic environment, so keep your routine and rules constant for their benefit as well as your own.

Guard adolescent girls from harm.
It is a difficult truth to accept, but girls and boys are treated differently by society. Even as young as fourteen a boy can and often does begin to look like a man and gain respect from society. However, a young girl is often treated in a completely different manner. Adolescent girls convey an innocence that can potentially get them into uninvited trouble. Parents are generally encouraged to explain the “birds and the bees” to sons and daughters alike, but the difference is that the daughters are more at risk of being exploited or taken advantage of. You can’t expect your young daughter to fully understand just how vulnerable she is to attack because she is probably not fully aware of how intriguing a blossoming young woman is in almost any society. You must protect her. Be on the lookout for her at all times and know the details of who will be around her anytime she is away from home.

“I take protection of teenage girls seriously,” says Bentz. “They are at risk from abuse, yet they are determined to grow up. It’s a delicate matter to discuss sex with them honestly, so they learn about it safely, and to keep them out of situations where they would be vulnerable to the advances of older men. As a parent, you are the only one your daughter can talk to and get honest answers and protection from uncomfortable situations.”

Keep track of teenagers.
Obviously, we live in a dangerous world. Drugs and violence are everywhere, running rampant in every community. It is your business to make sure your children aren’t influenced by the wrong people. So set curfews and enforce them diligently, and get to know your kids’ friends and their parents as well. Above all, keep the lines of communication open. Engage them in constant discussions of what they’re doing. Let them know that if they ever need you, they can call and you will be there. Tell them you will always love them and protect them no matter what they do so they will feel it is safe for them to reach out to you if they are in trouble. If, in your parenting, you come from a place of love, your children will feel and see that love. They will understand why you enforce the rules the way you do.

Admit when your child is right.
If you make a mistake as a parent—and everyone does—admit to it and apologize. In this way, you are remaining consistent because you would expect your children to apologize if they wronged you in some way. “Apologizing affirms to the children that you respect them enough to admit it when you are wrong,” says Bentz. “No one is perfect, parents or children, and by saying you’re sorry when you mess up, you can let them know that you have their best interests in mind and that you are reasonable and sane.”

“The most important thing to remember about helping your baby grow into a mature and responsible adult is to stay calm and just take it a day at a time,” says Bentz. “Children evolve slowly so if you find yourself in a difficult period as a parent, remember that it is only a transition phase to the next level. Children grow up in a challenge-to-challenge game of leap-frog. As they leap from one dilemma to the next, keep in mind that you are their lily-pad of stability. You are, right now, equipped with everything you need to bring something wonderful out of your children. “If you do your job well, the satisfaction you glean from your relationship with your children will last a lifetime,” she adds. “Parenting is a journey that never ends, so do everything in your power right now to make it a richly rewarding one.”

About the Author:
Virginia Bentz is the proud mother of two grown children, Cindy, 26, and Dave, 22. She works as a
bookseller for Borders, where she presents a weekly storytime session for children. She also volunteers
with children at a local nonprofit agency. In her spare time, she does freelance writing and sings with a
chorale. She has taught high school and college English and holds a Ph.D. from Case Western Reserve
University. Quick Guide to Good Kids is her first book.

About the Book:
Quick Guide to Good Kids (Frederick Fell Publishers, Inc., November 2006, ISBN: 0-88391-153-1,
$14.95) will be available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.

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